When you're gone...

i'm listening to this song by avril levighn now. it's called 'when you're gone'. i've never been a fan of hers, but this song is so apt to what has been going through my mind nowadays.

nope i'm not experiencing the pain of my loved ones leaving me. my loved ones are all healthy and still in my life. thank God.

rather it's my friend's friend who has passed away due to brain cancer and the death of a freshman's father. i met the freshman through Alpha.

i cannot imagine their pain, nor do i wish to do so. though i know it's inevitable that i'll have to deal with the deaths of some of my loved ones one way or another in the future, i'll prefer to believe that they'll always be with me.

one thing that struck me about death is the suddenness of it, like a slap on the face. i think that's the worst thing about death, other than the heartache it brings. you didn't expect it to come so soon. that's what make some deaths so cruel.

my uncle works as a doctor. and he hardly ever loses his cool at things that most people would get flustered about or flare up at. for example, he hardly ever scolds his children when they throw tantrums.

my mum says that it is because he has looked at enough sufferings and deaths of his patients and their loved ones to understand that there are things more important that are worth losing his cool over.

i wanna learn that, to focus my energy and time on things that really matter. but i also believe that it requires time, effort and help to truly achieve that state.

busy bee

i'm going to get really busy soon, with ALPHA, camp, work and outings with friends who i miss and can't wait to catch up with. so this week will be the last week i can still afford to relax a little.

then it'll be off to Eastern Europe! can't wait to get out of Singapore! not that i don't like to be with the people here but i think a break away from routine life is always good for the soul and mind.

in the busy weeks to come, i really hope to learn something and grow in areas like:
- time management
- inter-personal relationships
- patience (yup i realise i flare up quite easily these days. it's making me look bad in front of my friends. haha)

i love my hols!~

tears and sugar peanuts

i've been crying a lot lately, which is kind of weird because i have no reason to cry. and i know this has been baffling for poor Js who has no idea what to do every time my eyes start leaking. sorry dear but i really don't know the reason for being a human tap as well.

maybe it's because we won't be spending so much time together again. you'll be busy, i'll be busy. we won't have that much time for each other as before. see that's the problem with seeing your bf everyday. you can't get used to the fact that you won't be seeing each other everyday anymore.

but i'm feeling much better today! though i cried again but it's not so serious. come to think of it it may because of my imbalanced hormones (darn them), or perhaps the lack of sleep. i've forgotten the bliss of having a refreshing afternoon nap. it can really do wonders.

and i've gone back to another love of mine - sugar peanuts! they are my best friends during the exam period. haha! just kidding, unless you like crunching on your best friends...

so what happened to my resolution to lead a healthy lifestyle? well it remains as a resolution - just talk and no action... YET.

i hope my friends are enjoying their holidays! i'm enjoying myself, minus the tears and the health issues that my love for sugar peanuts can bring... haha!

oh and if you feel like cycling do ask me along. it's time i stop shrieking every time i see another passer-by or cyclist in my path...

It always hurts

it always hurts when your expectations are not met.

it always hurts when you know you can never depend on one person fully.

it always hurts when you know it's impossible for anyone to know yourself completely.

it always hurts when you know that you can't have your cake and eat it all the time.

it always hurts when you have to take the first step.

it always hurts when you have to grow up.

it's time for me to grow up, because i am not as mature as i thought i was.

somehow i feel better typing this out, because it is a first step, as tiny as it may be.

a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. my Daddy taught me that.

=)

It's over!

finally. the day i've been waiting for.

THE EXAMS ARE OVER. HEE HEE HA HA HO HO HAH!

it has never felt so good saying this. well done everyone!

Exam Celebration Day has been fun!

though we went to this sucky Italian restarant for dinner, the eski bar almost made up for it. it's so cool (literally and figuratively). and i've always liked drinking, though i'm a terrible drinker. but still, it's kinda fun getting a bit tipsy and talking nonsense, though i wouldn't like to be like that all the time.

this sem has been an emotional roller coastal ride for me. it was tough academically, bringing me a lot of stress and worries. but i'm thankful for it because it has brought my group of friends closer together. we are a rojak group of amigoes, with different personalities and interests. yet we manage to bond and go through the tough times together, supporting each other all the while.

now that one chapter of my life is over, it's time to start a healthier and more active lifestyle! i hereby pledge that once every week, i will:

1. go jogging at the Bedok stadium near my home. if i have to fight with my mum for the running shoes i would.
2. go to the gym with Js. both us need to lose some weight. gone are the days of gorging on junk food and crunching on sugar peanuts and pocky strawberry biscuit sticks.. =(
3. go shopping for at least 3 hours. hey if i'm gonna be more active i might as well do something i like. besides, i still have those Heeren vouchers...
4. read up on my TIME magazines and newspapers. i've been out of the touch with the world for too long.
5. spend at least an hour reading books about Him. it's a small step but at least it's something.

oh ya, and i need to hone my cycling skills, no matter how terrible they are. night cycling is coming!

=))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I will never walk alone

Studying is a privilege, studying is a gift, studying is fun...

That is what I have been trying to console myself with during this week of hell, all the while struggling to cram all the knowledge into my limited memory base. It doesn't help that 105 is disgustingly hard to understand, let only remember.

But I guess this has made me appreciate the companionship of my loved ones even more. I don't know how some people can bear to isolate themselves during exam period. It's being with people that is keeping me sane and generally happy despite the stress.

I know I'm contradicting myself because I mentioned how much I like being alone in my previous post. Hmm... I think I'm still a social animal after all.

Thinking of next sem is scary. Everyone will be going into their specializations, which means me and my group of friends won't get to hang out as much anymore.

You have to go out of your comfort zone to build deeper friendships with other people, you have to get used to the idea that the friends who you are most comfortable with now won't be there to make you laugh in the future, you may even face the possibility of becoming an outcast. What a sad picture.

I suck at adaptability. I hate transitions. Getting used to changes has never been easy for me. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try to make the best of it. Besides, I know I won't be alone in this.

And to borrow a line from the theme song of Js's beloved Liverpool (Although it sounds weird, or maybe it's because I only heard Js sing it before, I like this particular line a lot): "You'll never walk alone..."

I will never walk alone. =)

The imperfect, disheveled and moody me

*COUGH* ahem *COUGH* ahem...

That's what I have been doing for the entire day. Being sick is no fun. Not at all.

However it does give me time to rest and be alone. I think this is just what I need. To be alone. I can never figure out how some people like to be around people all the time. It gets draining for me, having to show the happy side of me and that everything is ok.

Well, not everything is ok. I'm not saying this because I'm feeling particularly down, but it is how I feel all the time. There will be at least one area in my life that needs working on, that needs time to think and reflect.


I realized I haven't been reflecting on my life for a long time. I've been so caught up in stuff that is going on in my life. My family, my friends, my bf, my studies, my activities. I have carved out time for all these areas but I have forgotten about spending time on one very important area - myself.

I'm not being selfish and narcissistic. I'm being honest. You have to spend some time on self- reflection if not you are just going to lose yourself to the busy-ness of life.

It's how I preserve my sanity I guess.

It's not that I don't enjoy the company of my loved ones. I do, a lot. Without them life would be so meaningless.

But sometimes, I just need some time alone. Where I can just be me, without fearing that I'm being insensitive to people's feelings.

The imperfect, disheveled, and moody me.

*COUGH* ahem.