My first day

i feel like a freshman all over again.

nope i'm not trying to sound young. it's just that i'm pursuing a different specialization from my friends. now i understand how it feels to be lost and worried that i won't be able to find friends.

and this module is tough! not only are the readings disgustingly long and abundant, but we already have to determine the topics for our term paper by NEXT WEEK. that's gross.

still, i think this would be a useful module for me because i plan to go overseas. so it's always good to have an idea of what press systems in other countries are like.

plus, I DON'T HAVE A HALL. that sucks. big time! how true it is that you'll only cherish what is gone.

i'm thankful though, that i still have my loving bf and friends to make me look forward to coming to school.

yup i'm still anticipating what this semester will bring. i hope my friends are enjoying themselves too, and that they will do even better this semester!

reflections

i love my holidays!

let's see...

i went to Eastern Europe for 2 weeks, visiting places like Germany, Austria, Poland and Czech Republic. the countries were so beautiful that Singapore looks so plain and boring. but i was still really thankful to be back home. there are too many people and things i love in Singapore. nothing beats home. really. (i'm in the National Day mode already)

then i went to Tioman with Js and his (female)friends' boyfriends. yup it was a weird combination and i still feel a bit out-of-place among them but i can't deny that they're really sweet and helpful people. snorkeling was so fun! the fish were so pretty and it was hilarious seeing Js trying to pose underwater for the camera. i wouldn't mind going back to places like these in the future. but this time, i wanna try diving!

what else about my hols that i love?

well there's my work. there's a lot of stress in my workplace and i even cried once because i couldn't cope with the pressure, but i have to admit that i learned a lot about dealing with stress, relating with people and managing my time. i still need to improve on these areas, but this job has really let me experience first hand what it feels like to hold yourself together in the worst scenarios.

my holidays has been a fruitful one, in which i spent a lot of quality time with Js and also managed to visit my grandparents more.

now that school is starting, i'm excited, and i really look forward to getting to know myself better and learn more useful skills in the coming semester.

and i can't wait to see my CS friends!

though the thought of having to pore over readings again does seem dreadful... haha.

okies going to sleep soon. still coughing.

hee

When you're gone...

i'm listening to this song by avril levighn now. it's called 'when you're gone'. i've never been a fan of hers, but this song is so apt to what has been going through my mind nowadays.

nope i'm not experiencing the pain of my loved ones leaving me. my loved ones are all healthy and still in my life. thank God.

rather it's my friend's friend who has passed away due to brain cancer and the death of a freshman's father. i met the freshman through Alpha.

i cannot imagine their pain, nor do i wish to do so. though i know it's inevitable that i'll have to deal with the deaths of some of my loved ones one way or another in the future, i'll prefer to believe that they'll always be with me.

one thing that struck me about death is the suddenness of it, like a slap on the face. i think that's the worst thing about death, other than the heartache it brings. you didn't expect it to come so soon. that's what make some deaths so cruel.

my uncle works as a doctor. and he hardly ever loses his cool at things that most people would get flustered about or flare up at. for example, he hardly ever scolds his children when they throw tantrums.

my mum says that it is because he has looked at enough sufferings and deaths of his patients and their loved ones to understand that there are things more important that are worth losing his cool over.

i wanna learn that, to focus my energy and time on things that really matter. but i also believe that it requires time, effort and help to truly achieve that state.

busy bee

i'm going to get really busy soon, with ALPHA, camp, work and outings with friends who i miss and can't wait to catch up with. so this week will be the last week i can still afford to relax a little.

then it'll be off to Eastern Europe! can't wait to get out of Singapore! not that i don't like to be with the people here but i think a break away from routine life is always good for the soul and mind.

in the busy weeks to come, i really hope to learn something and grow in areas like:
- time management
- inter-personal relationships
- patience (yup i realise i flare up quite easily these days. it's making me look bad in front of my friends. haha)

i love my hols!~

tears and sugar peanuts

i've been crying a lot lately, which is kind of weird because i have no reason to cry. and i know this has been baffling for poor Js who has no idea what to do every time my eyes start leaking. sorry dear but i really don't know the reason for being a human tap as well.

maybe it's because we won't be spending so much time together again. you'll be busy, i'll be busy. we won't have that much time for each other as before. see that's the problem with seeing your bf everyday. you can't get used to the fact that you won't be seeing each other everyday anymore.

but i'm feeling much better today! though i cried again but it's not so serious. come to think of it it may because of my imbalanced hormones (darn them), or perhaps the lack of sleep. i've forgotten the bliss of having a refreshing afternoon nap. it can really do wonders.

and i've gone back to another love of mine - sugar peanuts! they are my best friends during the exam period. haha! just kidding, unless you like crunching on your best friends...

so what happened to my resolution to lead a healthy lifestyle? well it remains as a resolution - just talk and no action... YET.

i hope my friends are enjoying their holidays! i'm enjoying myself, minus the tears and the health issues that my love for sugar peanuts can bring... haha!

oh and if you feel like cycling do ask me along. it's time i stop shrieking every time i see another passer-by or cyclist in my path...

It always hurts

it always hurts when your expectations are not met.

it always hurts when you know you can never depend on one person fully.

it always hurts when you know it's impossible for anyone to know yourself completely.

it always hurts when you know that you can't have your cake and eat it all the time.

it always hurts when you have to take the first step.

it always hurts when you have to grow up.

it's time for me to grow up, because i am not as mature as i thought i was.

somehow i feel better typing this out, because it is a first step, as tiny as it may be.

a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. my Daddy taught me that.

=)

It's over!

finally. the day i've been waiting for.

THE EXAMS ARE OVER. HEE HEE HA HA HO HO HAH!

it has never felt so good saying this. well done everyone!

Exam Celebration Day has been fun!

though we went to this sucky Italian restarant for dinner, the eski bar almost made up for it. it's so cool (literally and figuratively). and i've always liked drinking, though i'm a terrible drinker. but still, it's kinda fun getting a bit tipsy and talking nonsense, though i wouldn't like to be like that all the time.

this sem has been an emotional roller coastal ride for me. it was tough academically, bringing me a lot of stress and worries. but i'm thankful for it because it has brought my group of friends closer together. we are a rojak group of amigoes, with different personalities and interests. yet we manage to bond and go through the tough times together, supporting each other all the while.

now that one chapter of my life is over, it's time to start a healthier and more active lifestyle! i hereby pledge that once every week, i will:

1. go jogging at the Bedok stadium near my home. if i have to fight with my mum for the running shoes i would.
2. go to the gym with Js. both us need to lose some weight. gone are the days of gorging on junk food and crunching on sugar peanuts and pocky strawberry biscuit sticks.. =(
3. go shopping for at least 3 hours. hey if i'm gonna be more active i might as well do something i like. besides, i still have those Heeren vouchers...
4. read up on my TIME magazines and newspapers. i've been out of the touch with the world for too long.
5. spend at least an hour reading books about Him. it's a small step but at least it's something.

oh ya, and i need to hone my cycling skills, no matter how terrible they are. night cycling is coming!

=))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I will never walk alone

Studying is a privilege, studying is a gift, studying is fun...

That is what I have been trying to console myself with during this week of hell, all the while struggling to cram all the knowledge into my limited memory base. It doesn't help that 105 is disgustingly hard to understand, let only remember.

But I guess this has made me appreciate the companionship of my loved ones even more. I don't know how some people can bear to isolate themselves during exam period. It's being with people that is keeping me sane and generally happy despite the stress.

I know I'm contradicting myself because I mentioned how much I like being alone in my previous post. Hmm... I think I'm still a social animal after all.

Thinking of next sem is scary. Everyone will be going into their specializations, which means me and my group of friends won't get to hang out as much anymore.

You have to go out of your comfort zone to build deeper friendships with other people, you have to get used to the idea that the friends who you are most comfortable with now won't be there to make you laugh in the future, you may even face the possibility of becoming an outcast. What a sad picture.

I suck at adaptability. I hate transitions. Getting used to changes has never been easy for me. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try to make the best of it. Besides, I know I won't be alone in this.

And to borrow a line from the theme song of Js's beloved Liverpool (Although it sounds weird, or maybe it's because I only heard Js sing it before, I like this particular line a lot): "You'll never walk alone..."

I will never walk alone. =)

The imperfect, disheveled and moody me

*COUGH* ahem *COUGH* ahem...

That's what I have been doing for the entire day. Being sick is no fun. Not at all.

However it does give me time to rest and be alone. I think this is just what I need. To be alone. I can never figure out how some people like to be around people all the time. It gets draining for me, having to show the happy side of me and that everything is ok.

Well, not everything is ok. I'm not saying this because I'm feeling particularly down, but it is how I feel all the time. There will be at least one area in my life that needs working on, that needs time to think and reflect.


I realized I haven't been reflecting on my life for a long time. I've been so caught up in stuff that is going on in my life. My family, my friends, my bf, my studies, my activities. I have carved out time for all these areas but I have forgotten about spending time on one very important area - myself.

I'm not being selfish and narcissistic. I'm being honest. You have to spend some time on self- reflection if not you are just going to lose yourself to the busy-ness of life.

It's how I preserve my sanity I guess.

It's not that I don't enjoy the company of my loved ones. I do, a lot. Without them life would be so meaningless.

But sometimes, I just need some time alone. Where I can just be me, without fearing that I'm being insensitive to people's feelings.

The imperfect, disheveled, and moody me.

*COUGH* ahem.

When will all these end?

I'm so glad 106 is over. No more worrying about making speeches; individual, group or impromptu ones. I enjoyed this module, though it's nerve-wrecking it's quite fun to see your friends presenting.

No more 816 too! Whee...

But there's still 105 and 103. Honestly can't the tutors see they are killing us? Tsk.

But still I'll be real thankful once all these are over. Then I can look forward to a holiday overseas with my family (hopefully this time it will really come true) and a good 3 months' break.

During that 3 months I'm gonna shop, work and shop. Haha. And I wanna go cycling again! I'll kill myself if I have forgotten how to cycle. Then my fall and the pain and humiliation I had to endure would have been for nothing. Grrrr.

Yup I know there's still a long way to go before that precious 3 months. But I need to look far to prevent myself from getting too depressed and bogged down by studies. Haha. It helps, really.

To my NTU and NIE friends, all the best for the upcoming exams! Persevere during this period of studying, which is a harder period than the actual exams if you ask me.

=))))))))))))))))))))

A Peace of You

Stress, stress, stress. Here it comes again. The exams are looming just around the corner, and I am worried that I may not be able to get the grades I want.

Sunday was fun. I went studying with Js then we watched 300. He loves the show, well, all guys do. The film is just so...... men. You know what I mean.

I had fun, until I walked home after dinner. It was then that I realized that the exams are coming and I'm really slow in my revision. Plus there are all these assignments. What a pain.

The nerves came and the insecurity I felt was overwhelming.

Then suddenly this song came on (I was listening to 88.3 Jia FM. It plays chinese and english songs. How interesting. This is like a format hole which we learned in 103. See I know my stuff, well at least a little of it. Haha.).

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston sang this for the "Prince of Egypt" animation.

Then I gazed up at the night sky, and found that it was a star-strewn night. I couldn't remember when was the last time I saw such a pretty sight near my house.

Who compares to You
Who sets the stars in their place
You calm the raging seas
That came crashing over me
- "Magnificent"

Then I saw this van in front of me, which had the words "Shalom Church" on it. Shalom refers to peace.

When the oceans rise and thunder roars
I will soar with You above the storm
- "Still"

I felt much better after that, because all I need is a Peace of You.

Eternity in my heart

This week has been awfully stressful. But nothing can beat the Hell Week (4 assignment deadlines, 2 quizzes and 1 presentation all on the same week). Yes stress can be good but this kind of stress really sucks.

Don't know what's wrong with this semester. I work harder but just can't seem to score. Haha how ironic.

Then S told me that as long as you have eternity in your heart, you won't be bogged down by all these temporal troubles. How cheem. Haha.

But I know what she means. When you are sure of your place in eternity, you won't be confined to your present circumstances and be stumbled by what you are going through now. You would be able to make sense of why all these are happening to you.

Because if the end is not for your good, then it's not the end yet - C.

Awaken my heart to know Your love
And to love You in return
Freely flowing from an awakened heart

Counting my blessings

This semester sucks. Honestly. I don't enjoy the modules, and it's so hard to score. =(

I also had to grapple with quite a lot of things this semester, with relationships, studies, hall stuff and my inner demons.

However I think there are a lot of things to be thankful for too, like how Js has helped me a lot in my schoolwork and given me a lot of emotional support, and how my church friends have been there for me. Oh ya, and also my CS friends who make me laugh. Haha.

Counting my blessings. Some say it's a waste of time, but I think it's an effective way of reminding oneself that there is much more to life than your problems.

Why focus on a few unhappy events when there are much more blessings in your life?

Yet most have a tendency to focus on the bad rather than the good. Yup it's all psychological, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. All it takes is a change in mindset. Encouragement from friends helps a lot too.

I may be assuming too much, because there are people who have more unhappy events in their lives than happy ones.

But anyway... Counting your blessings always helps.

Hope to see that beautiful smile of yours again

Monday was a rather tiring day.

Had morning lessons (including that insufferable 104 lecture), one tutorial and a long 103 project meeting. It's hard to get everyone to agree on everything but at least we're on track.

Then I got the bad news that R's grandma has just passed away, and a bunch of us have arranged to go for the wake at LAVENDER.

I won't deny that I wasn't the least bit reluctant to go. It's so far, and I'm drained. On top of that, Js isn't feeling well. Wanted to stay back in hall and be with him.

But I know that if the same thing were to happen to me, R would want to be there for me. Thus I decided to go in the end.

It was saddening. R and her grandma were close, and to lose someone you cherish so much is heartbreaking.

It was sad to see R so dejected as well. She's usually so bubbly and smiley and full of life. But at the wake it's like she's reduced to half of her former self. It is so difficult for her to even offer a small smile.

But I know she's glad to see us. She needs all the support she can get.

I'm glad I made the right choice to go in the end. Even though we didn't talk much, I know I have made a difference, however small it is.

Jiayou, R! Hope to see that beautiful smile of yours again! =)

yawn

Having 104 lecture now........................................................

It's really boring.....................................................................

He's so narcissistic.................................................................

I rest my case.

Acceptance

I went for project meeting today, or rather, Saturday at the Cathay. Nice place, very conducive. Although the food's a tad expensive. But it was a relatively productive meeting. Thank God for friendly and reliable project mates. =)

When everyone left and I was alone, I started observing people and things around me. That was when I realized that almost all the girls I saw looked alike. Rebonded hair, slim frame, decked in the latest Korean fashion or those tight tights (which I totally avoid because I think I'll look like thunder thighs in them). And it seems that almost everyone has a tummy, so I felt a little better about my own...

But the highlight of my observation experience is the boy band. Cute little boys (ok not exactly little, maybe secondary school) with long spiky hair, earrings, and wearing long sleeve shirts, jeans, and sneakers. They look EXACTLY alike from afar, down to their swagger.

I know members in some cliques tend to dress alike, but this really takes the cake.

This made me think of how everyone needs to be accepted in a group. Everyone yearns companionship.

Then how about those who are so-called outcasts? Wouldn't they feel terrible that almost everyone dislike them (sometimes for no apparent reasons)? How would I feel if I were an outcast today?

I have never been an outcast, but I know the feeling of being left-out in certain things. It sucks. You feel as if you're not good enough or you don't matter.

But then I would think, is it that important to be involved in EVERYTHING? Is it that important to blend in with the crowd?

I know of some friends who would do anything to fit in. I can empathize and relate with them, but the extent to which they're willing to change their values to fit in with their friends is scary.

I want to be able to relate with people. I really do. But at the expense of my own beliefs and values? Most probably not, unless I'm convinced that they need to be changed.

Acceptance. I'm grateful to know that some people in my life accept me for who I am. They may not agree with me on some of the decisions I made and my attitude and behavior sometimes, and they are frank with me about them. But at the end of the day, they love me.

Guess that is what true acceptance is all about.

Love is...

It's great to be home! I miss my comfortable room, my dad's silly jokes and my mother's nagging. Haha! Living in hall does make you appreciate your family more.

I came across this booklet called "The Art of Dating: What men and women should know". It's published by the SDU and provides many books and resources to give people advice on how to date.

Hmm... I won't pretend that I'm not the least bit amused when I saw it. I mean, why should there be an instruction guide on where to turn to for dating advice? It's just... weird to me.

But anyway, I found some really meaningful quotes on love inside the book, some of which are really sweet, such as these:

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination. - Voltaire

We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Murdoch.

Love is friendship set to music. - E. Joseph Crossman

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. - William Shakespeare

And my favourite is this:

Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low. - Henry Ward Beecher

How true it is, that everyone needs to be loved and that loving others requires effort and hard work.

To me, Love is a choice. That means no matter how unlikeable someone is, as long as you make the choice to love him/her, it is possible. It's not dependent on circumstances nor events.

Of course, this means there's plenty of hard work and patience and understanding involved, but isn't that precisely why such a love is so precious?

Easier said than done, of course...

But...

Nothing is impossible, especially with Him...

I hope I can remember my password this time...

I've never been in the habit of reading blogs. Funny, considering how busybody I can be.

But recently I have started viewing blogs by my friends. Some of them are really funny. Not only that, it's amazing to see how poetic some people can be when writing about daily happenings in their lives. It's also refreshing to read about heartfelt emotions from people. It's hard to experience such openness during face-to-face interactions with them most of the time, to be honest.

There are also some blogs that make me think and ponder over what it really means to live. Not just be alive, but LIVE. Am I just going along with flow, or do I really want to make an impact with the things I do, no matter how small or insignificant they are?

Lots of people have told me I think a lot. Some of them even beg me not think too much. Why spend so much time thinking beyond what is tangible when you can't even see it?

My answer to them is, why be confined to where you are now, your surroundings, your circumstances? There has to be more to life than studying, taking part in activities, having fun with your loved ones. I enjoy all these very much, especially the loved ones part, but they are not just things that we do. They must mean something greater than just physical events.

I've learnt and been through a lot ever since I came to NTU. And there's still so much to experience and learn!

I really want to pen my lessons down, so that I can look back and see what I have made of my life in NTU so far.

Let's just hope I won't forget my password this time...